Sitting on the couch, feeling frustrated. I feel like I’m unable to walk in the Spirit and no longer confident to do the Word by myself. I’ve been obsessively trying to find out everything there is to know about God, Jesus and the spiritual reality around us. Finding many treasures and keys during my search but essentially casting them to one side as they did not satiate my hunger to know more, to understand. Not realising that these keys need to be digested. Meditated upon. I gulped them in search of the next.
Speaking with a friend of mine, whom I was honoured to baptise a few weeks ago, she asked me if I ever considered becoming a preacher. Yes I would love to use all my time to study the scripture, preach the Gospel and demonstrate the Spirit. We continued talking and I shared relevant scripture passages with her. I was at the time already overtired. I was diligently seeking the right words to help her, at the same time I did not want to burden her with some of the things I had learned. I had been researching a lot about madness in people and demons and how they manifest. I had encountered an individual who was clearly in severe bondage of a demonic nature. I prayed for the person but felt inadequate at doing so, and I felt the need to be better prepared in case it would needed again in the future. Therefore I had been reading up on peoples experiences. Really focusing on understanding the works of Satan in and through individuals, how his bondage and oppression comes to being and more importantly how it is broken. The research left me feeling burdened and it had sucked the joy out of me. It made me lose hope for some people.
My friend noticed I wasn’t my usual self, and asked me sternly if I was happy. She said she notices my eyes flashing back and forth and said It looked like my eyes were showing signs of madness themselves! And she was right. I had exerted myself. Too much too fast. I was struggling to tie it all together. Information overload and over-tiredness seemed to be getting the better of me. Not good. I agreed I needed to rest and let things rest for a few days.
For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7
Honestly it shook me a little. I felt my ego wanting to get into the defensive. But I knew she was right. In fact I had been getting hints to let it all rest but I made excuses to continue researching. I no longer was learning for the better, but more and more looked like a morbid obsession. It literaly gripped me.
Thank God for my friend. I know I would have stepped back into the positive sooner or later, but I’m glad this meeting set me back on track sooner and NOT later. So I recalled that indeed God gave me a sound mind. I needed to take control over my interests. God want us to be strong in body mind amd spirit. And so I thought I’s better focus on the body and the mind a bit more now. So I started to work out, eat properly and read a little less. Nevertheless, while I’m writing this I’m still sitting on that couch and I feel like I’m failing…
I just cried out to the Lord, why am I messing it all up? I wasn’t able to continue doing more research. I just sat quietly on this couch. Interestingly I know all will be fine, but I still feel so shitty that eventhough I truly trust I will be fine for God, I’m pissed off at myself for still messing it all up these past few weeks.
I visualised myself sifting through many pages and documents which partly disintegrated and flew about as I ravaged through them. And after some silence it was revealed unto me that I was disrespecting all the little pearls of truth that had been given to me during my research, during my search for truth. Not taking the time to meditate on them, and give some time for them to become ingrained in my memory and soul. I was acting out the role of the “swine” before which were thrown beautiful pearls and I was trampling over them trying to find the end all truth and knowledge, the bigger picture. And of course this is in fact only known by God the Father Himself. Wow what revelation. In other words, take it easy! Relax! Do what you can in the time and opportunity given to you and if it works out great, if it doesn’t learn from it, dust yourself off and continue in good spirit!
Come to Me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take My yoke upon you and learn from Me; for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For My yoke is easy and My burden is light. Matthew 11: 28-30
And with that came the insight that I need to sit down and post more blogs. I need to write about my experiences and the revelations given to me to help me digest it all! And if you enjoy reading, great! and if it helps you out, even better! For me it is cathartic!
So in essence I started to follow my own will, or at least what I thought I needed. Instead of seeking my lessons from God through experience. I have enough head knowledge as it is. it’s walking in the faith that build the spirit. and who could be a better teacher than the Holy Spirit. He is our portion deliverer! I love it, thank you Lord!
Better a patient person than a warrior,
one with self-control than one who takes a city. Proverbs 16:32
The Lord is not slow in keeping his promise, as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you, not wanting anyone to perish, but everyone to come to repentance. 2 Peter 3:9
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Colossians 3:12
But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life.